We accept the love we think we deserve

Accept the love we truly deserve

He finally realized that he didn’t want to commit to a romantic relationship after four months of “online dating.” He called me on his way back to SF; we were supposed to meet on Sunday, a moment I had been waiting for months. I was a bit shocked in the morning when he called, as I was not fully awake and am still processing all the information.

I didn’t feel resentful or sad like last time I broke up with R. My first reaction was surprise. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t a completely exclusive relationship, and it had been long-distance from the beginning. Our paths first crossed in SF during a work trip, but we never actually met as he left for Texas that same day. Our dating journey began with lengthy phone calls, spending 2-4 hours each day for two weeks, until he drove from Texas to finally meet me in LA back in April. It’s hard to believe we’ve only met in person four times in the last four months, with our connection entirely reliant on countless calls and messages. Today was supposed to be the last day of our long-distance dating, but we still didn’t make it. He gave up at the last mile.

It was within expectation since the beginning we knew it would be hard to maintain this connection. After our first meetup in LA, he started his SF/Texas/Thailand trips while I was still working in LA, unsure where our paths would overlap. We both thought about giving up and did so twice, but neither of us could let go of the deep connection and emotional support we built. We decided to keep an open mind and see if we could make it through the summer, but even then, we continued our daily calls and texts like friends, lovers, and supporters.

That’s why I felt more gratitude than sadness after the breakup: our relationship had been warm, fruitful, and fulfilling—it was healthy! We supported each other through various life transitions and uncertainties over the past four months. I finished my first year of my MBA, successfully helped a startup fundraise, joined a startup as a co-founding member, moved from LA to SF, and navigated the emotional swings from changing my prescription. I can't imagine how I would've survived these struggles and changes without such a patient and warm-hearted gentleman, even if we weren't physically together.

I also grew a lot, becoming a more mature woman as I helped him navigate his frustration and confusion in relationships and life after his divorce. I learned to be an active listener, to empathize, and to use words of affirmation to communicate effectively. I enjoyed growing together and witnessing each other become more capable and better people in everyday life. That became even more important than whether we were in a serious relationship. I've come to believe that an ideal partner should possess a growth mindset and be capable of open, patient communication to support one another's evolution as individuals.

However, disappointment crept in later, and I couldn't stop questioning myself: Am I not good enough to deserve a man who's as brave, proactive, committed, and genuine as I am? I gave my all to make this relationship work, understanding his fear of commitment, relationship hesitations, and life confusion after his 20+ year marriage ended. I was patient and supportive, guiding him through tough times and offering reassurance whenever he hesitated. But while being thoughtful in this relationship, was I being thoughtful enough towards myself? His hesitation fueled my insecurities, his sudden call disrupted my summer plans, and compounded my already challenging week.

“Why do I find myself with another guy who doesn't know what he's looking for? ” This inner voice questioned my soul relentlessly.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, I often prioritize others' needs over my own, whether at work or in relationships. In doing so, I frequently neglect my genuine needs, feelings, and boundaries. Deep down, my low confidence convinces me that I don't deserve a partner who shares my qualities—someone equally smart, capable, mature, fun, adventurous, and self-assured in their aspirations for relationships and life. I've come to understand that the energy we exude attracts similar individuals.

We accept the love we think we deserve. I've allowed people to hurt me, compromised for those who don't deserve me, and avoided confronting my true needs or real feelings.

But the time has come for a change—to recognize my worth and say no to those who aren't a good fit.

Accept the love we truly deserve. Have some faith.